Happy New Year, Everyone!

Phew, what a party that was! The Irish Scoop is glad to announce that it's survived the famed annual end of year bash at stately Scoop Manor and is ready to rock the joint for another year of sticking to to the man, cynical Irishman style! This year, we're going to have more fun than an IRA man robbing the Northern Bank -- ho ho, straight back in there with a topical joke! The first day back and already with the gold!

Now let's see, what's in today's paper...

Wait a minute. Is this the correct date? It's July already?! Oh dear, I've overslept again.

Worst. Hangover. Ever.

Ivor Callely appointed Goverment Interior Decorator

'The only man for the job, the only job for the man', insists Taoiseach

The Taoiseach this morning put an end to the speculation surrounding the future of Minister of State for Transport Ivor Callely by revealing that Mr Callely is to be appointed the Dáil's first ever Interior Decorator.

In a statement issued through his office on lavender-scented Japanese paper that beautifully offset the seats in the Dáil, Mr Ahern announced that the change of roles would take effect immediately.

He thanked Mr Callely for what he called "his dedicated contribution to the work of the Government in his roles in the Department of Health and Children and the Department of Transport over the past three years", and "on a personal level, for his exquisite taste in Italian furniture, without which my summer office remodelling would have been a total 'mare".

The news comes after a series of embarrassing controversies for the Government in relation to Mr Callely, and is widely thought to be a result of revelations that Mr Callely's home was wallpapered for free by a building firm in the early 1990s. The same firm, John Paul Construction, was at the time engaged in a major contract with the Eastern Health Board, of which Mr Callely was chief wedding coordinator.

Despite this, the beleaguered minister denies any connection between these two events. His statement on the issue, released when the scandal broke yesterday, included sample swatches of glaringly clashing fabrics which he claims were used in the EHB development.

"Darlings, can you see me allowing the people responsible for this within a mile of my boudoir?", he told assembled reporters. "For God's sake people, burgundy sofas with eggshell shag pile carpet, I mean come on!"

When asked in the Dáil this morning about his plans in his new role Mr Callely remained tight-lipped, claiming only that he was looking forward to the task of lending the house of the Oireachtas some "pizzazz".

He did however indicate that he was "thinking chi-chi, tutti-frutti, rock-a-hoola-baby" for the wallpaper in the Dáil bar, and may propose that Mary Harney be transferred to the viewers gallery, as she is currently blocking the Ceann Comhairle's Feng Shui, a move that is expected to be welcomed by government and opposition alike.

Irish newspapers set to 'unleash hell' on dead people

Lawlor hooker defamation 'only tip of the iceberg'

Drunk on their own sense of unstoppable power and armed with a complete disregard for the truth or any sense of morality, Irish journalists are poised this week to unleash a series of character-destroying tirades against all dead people.

Led by what is being dubbed the 'four horsemen of journalism' (the Sunday Independent, and three other rags), reporters have vowed that deceased public figures will not have a chance to twitch postmortally before their memories are forever sullied by the defaming flick of a pen.

The plan will be implemented retrospectively, with decades worth of deaths being reviewed, and fabricated fallacies being published over the coming weeks and months. The excitement in Irish newsrooms was palpable yesterday as extra staff were called in to pore over years worth of obituaries and shamelessly make shit up.

Many believe the precendent for the bold new move was set this weekend when it was inaccurately reported that disgraced Dublin TD Liam Lawlor had died in a car crash in Moscow - with a 19-year old prostitute, in a speeding Mercedes that was swerving to avoid a herd of other ladies of the night in the city's red light district.

It has since emerged that some details of the story, which were widely published in Sunday newspspers, may not have been entirely accurate.

On RTÉ's Pat Kenny show one of the journalists involved explained how the error came to be published. "We were all just sitting around wondering how to best present the story - the ironic fall of a tragic figure, the two sides of lovable rogue, and so on. Then all of a sudden one of the interns mentioned that under Irish law you can't libel a dead person, and - ffft! - we were off!"

"When we heard the passenger was a Ukranian woman", said the Managing Editor of one of the papers involved, "the story practically wrote itself. It's a basic tenet of investigative journalism - middle-aged office worker equals teenage whore - and I stand over my team's actions. I'd assume the same again of any Eastern European woman, especially one in a car with a man, in Eastern Europe."

In the same interview, he also denied that the decision to publish the story was commercially motivated, claiming that the fabrication of the story was driven "only by pure evil", and that newspaper sales were never a motivating factor.

The first in the series of exposés is expected tomorrow, when wildly varying accounts of the life of Pope John Paul II are to be revealed.

Not everyone is supportive of the plan to disrespect the dead, however. The Lawlor scandal has led to renewed calls for a Press Council that would regulate potentially hurtful press savagery, a proposal that has been rejected as unneccesary by the Association of Journalists in Ireland.

The AJI secretary pointed out that such an institution has not been needed in Ireland since the late opium addict Eamonn DeValera had well known Nazi sympathiser Micheal Collins killed, and it isn't needed now.

Blog given scant attention after only three posts

With honeymoon over, apathy sets in with vengence

After only three mildly distracting posts, and a severe lack of comments, media insiders last night suggested that The Irish Scoop is to become the latest victim in the recent trend of abandoned online journals, also known as blogs.

The blog in question, well known to readers of this blog, began with little fanfare just under a week ago. Yet already it would appear that it's prospects for survival in the cutthroat world of satirical online publishing are grim at best.

"In retrospect, this was on the cards from the start," a close friend remarked yesterday. "Nobody said anything when the first three posts got gradually shorter, but we all saw it coming." Another source close to the blog called the shocking decline in length of posts over the first week "worrying at best".

Hopes were raised yesterday that Ireland's failure to qualify for the World Cup finals would provide adequete comedic fodder to reinvigorate the faltering publishing initiative, but it appears the author may have blown his load a couple of days before with a jibe about a Brian Kerr wedgie.

Brian Kerr Given Wedgie by Journalists

Ireland manager alleges media is "out to get him"

The standoff between embattled Irish manager Brian Kerr and the media intensified yesterday amid allegations that Kerr was wedgied by up to four journailists in the tunnel after yesterday's 1-0 win over Cyprus.

Ireland's victory has thrown Kerr a lifeline after a week of speculation as to the future of his job. His relief was shortlived however, as he was accosted on his way back to the dressing room at full time, and his underpants were pulled up from behind.

Kerr has pointed to the incident as yet another example of a small number of journalists harassing him in what he claims is an attempt to oust him from the €400,000 a year job.

However, this is rubbish, and in fact we only did it because he's a crap manager.

"God told me to choke on pretzel" - Bush

Near-death by confectionary "the Lord's will", President tells BBC filmmakers

President George Bush has claimed that he was told by God to eat a prezel, choke, faint, fall over, and hit his face on the floor.

The incident, alleged to have occurred in January of 2002, is revealed in a documentary due to be screened on the BBC next week.

"As soon as I got the word from the Big Guy," the President tells a group of assembled Palestinian leaders in once scene, "I ordered a pretzel in, and started cramming it down. Before I knew it, I was on the deck, and Dick [Cheney, Vice-President] was trying to give me mouth-to-mouth."

The revelation comes just weeks after a similar assasination attempt on Mr Bush by God, when he was thrown from his bicycle onto a large rock while on his daily exercise route.

Mr Bush remains upbeat despite the warning signs pointing towards his impending doom, putting a positive spin on his selection as a recipient of the Divine Being's wrath.

"I felt God's words coming to me", Mr Bush is quoted as saying, "'George, go and free those salty snacks from the tyranny of their plastic wrappings. Only you can liberate them... down your throat, while standing next to some sharp furniture.'"

According to Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian Prime Minister, the President claimed he had a "moral, religious, and hunger-based obligation" to act.

However, a senior White House official has denied that the Holy Father willed the President's untimely demise. Press Secretary Scott McClennan told assembled reporters yesterday that the President's words had been misinterpreted and that God had simply intended Mr Bush to take an extremely long holiday.

The Almighty did not make Himself available to the media for comment on the matter, although the Mr Bush has offered to act as a mediator should the press wish to speak with Him.

Government Spends €30M On Commodore 64

Antique computer to be used to administer health service, says Taoiseach
In a bold move designed to calm the increasing furore over the HSE computer system scandal, the government are today to unveil their long-awaited solution to the crisis in the shape of a 22 year old home computer.

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and Health Minister Mary Harney are set to announce their plan to transfer all health service payments to the new Commodore 64 system at a press conference this morning, ending more than a week of speculation and controversy over the government's delayed response to the failure of the PPARS system. The new system is expected to be fully operational by May of next year.

Speculation within the media of a possible C64 announcement began to grow during the week when journalists were alerted to a fierce bidding war developing for the machine on the popular online auction site eBay. On Thursday afternoon the bidding ended, with eBay user BassDrinker51 emerging victorious, finishing the bidding at GBP£20,800,210 (€30,514,200).

Dáil insiders had remained tightlipped during the bidding process, with only Defence Minister Willie O'Dea dropping his guard by remarking that the he was confident the Taoiseach would "make a decision with as much intelligence [behind it] as a Commodore 64 supercomputer".

Earlier in the week, Minister O'Dea had cryptically responded to all questions relating to the government's handling of the controversy by repeatedly whistling the tune of the Beatles' When I'm 64 in an appearance on RTÉ's Questions and Answers program.

"Nobody thought it unusual at the time, coming as it did from Willie" remarked presented Johnathan Bowman.

However speculation was ended when it eventually emerged late last night that the computer had in fact been bought by the government. The new system has been described as being in excellent condition apart from a broken hinge on the cassette loading bay. The deal brokered specifies the inclusion of over 40 games, all of which come on copied cassette tapes. Also included is the original box and instruction manual, all of which has been touted as proof of the system as being value for money.

The move is seen as an exercise in damage limitation by the government in an effort to restore credibility in advance of the next general election, now due as early as 2007. After coming under recent pressure over accusations of allowing "Ripoff Ireland" to develop, a prudent move was required in handling this latest situation, and it is thought that that Taoiseach was directly involved in the final decision.

It is also felt that the purchase of the new computer system could be a backhanded response to opposition leader Pat Rabbite's comments in the Dáil on Tuesday that the existing system was "about as capable as an Atari 2600" of managing the payment systems of the county's 35,00 health workers.

However, opposition parties came out vocally against the new system, claiming it to be too little, too late. A more prudent use of the taxpayers money, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny claimed, would have been to use eBay's "Buy it now" option before the bidding war developed on Tuesday evening, when the computer was availble for €10.50, more that 2.8 million times less than was eventually paid.

Rumours are also emerging that the new system will be susceptible to similar faults that plagued PPARS, with some technology experts claiming that sometimes, when you load games, the tape goes all the way up to 99 on the counter and then it might just stop for no reason and you have to reset it and wait for it to load all over again.

The government has claimed that they are fully aware of these potential pitfalls in the new system, and have already employed consultancy company Deloitte & Touche to carry out a full investigation.